Out of Sight, In mind

Benjamin noticed roadkill on the way home from school yesterday. It's not the first time, but it sparked quite a conversation. As we pulled into the driveway, our discussion had turned to autumn and the way the leaves were starting to turn color. He pointed at a cluster of dead leaves high up in the biggest tree in our front yard.
"But those didn't fall, they're just already dead," he said.
"They are," I told him, and explained that those leaves were on a broken branch. Without being connected to the rest of the tree, they died.
"Because they can't get the sap?" he asked.
"Yes," I said. "It's like that branch can't eat or drink anymore. If something stops eating and drinking for too long, it might die."
Without a pause, he asked, "Then why did Halmuni die?"
I was stunned that she was in his thoughts so spontaneously and in such direct relation to our discussion. We've done our best to explain what happened to Nisha's mom without making the world seem completely awful, but it's hard to tell exactly what he understands and what he remembers.
I did my best to explain that she had a sickness that was sort of like being unable to eat or drink, that parts of her were like the broken branch in the tree. Again, doing my best to not make the world seem too awful or scary.
Bug launched into one of his mile-a-minute monologues. It was about medicine and boo boos, and how to fix things. It was so fast and jumbled that I caught very little of it except when he slowed down at the end. "Maybe I could tell that to the doctors," he said. "And maybe to you too. Maybe that might help."
"Maybe that would," I told him. "Thanks, Bug."
I hate that he's in a situation where he has to try and wrap his brilliant little brain around death, especially in such a personal way. But at the same time it's amazing and reassuring that, more than a year after her death, Halmuni is still in his thoughts, and he still loves her and wants to make her boo boos better, just like she always did for him.

First Day in His Classroom!

Today was Benjamin's first visit to his own classroom at the Greensboro Montessori School. We accompanied him today and had a blast watching him explore all the cool things in his classroom and meeting his new teachers. Tomorrow he goes to school all by himself! Our baby is growing up!

And for dinner tonight, spaghetti with basil that Benjamin threw into the pot of sauce and limeade with a sprig of mint, both herbs from his school garden!

Benjamin Talking About Lots of Stuff

Halmuni.

Yesterday I told Benjamin I missed Halmuni and he asked what happened to her. I told him she went to heaven. He asked why and I said that she got sick, really sick. He asked why she didn't wash her hands enough (to avoid getting sick) and I tried to explain that it wasn't a sickness that you can get from germs on your hands. He misses her so much it is painful to see. The other day he was upset with me and Henry and ran from our bed (where we were all playing) and ran down the hall to Halmuni's room. He stopped in front of her door that has been shut for months now, her room full of things that we need to go through. I went to go get him and I almost lost it. He looked so completely sad and lost, wanting so much to rush through that door into the comfort of her arms. Like he used to do. Momma, I know you are watching over your favorite boy. But our hearts ache without you here with us. We miss seeing you, hugging you, hearing you. And Benjamin misses you like crazy. I don't want him to forget all the things he knows now about you. I pray he won't forget.

Babies

On our way driving home from Florida today:

Benjamin (talking about games on the ipad): Who is going to play with me?
Me (Mommy): You usually just play them by yourself.
Benjamin: I want a brother or sister to play with.
Me: Mommy wants that too. So does Daddy.
Benjamin: How do I get one?
Me: We have to make one.
Benjamin: But I'm a kid, I don't know how to make babies.
Me: That's okay, me and your dad will figure that part out.
Benjamin: Can I help?
Me: No, I think we have it covered.

Tonight

We are in Florida visiting Poppy and lots of relatives! Tonight Benjamin played his first official game of Black Jack with his own money with Poppy and his cousin, Hannah. He did very well and has the hand signals down pat! Tonight Poppy also told him about his life in the military and Benjamin was enthralled. Especially about the "blowing stuff up" parts. He listened intently and also had lots of questions. I am glad he got to hear it from Poppy firsthand as I can never remember all the places he has been because it is a lot!

Today was also Uncle Gene's birthday so we had dinner with the family here at the house and had cake and ice cream as well. Uncle Gene opened cards and gifts and it was a great night!

Benjamin just fell asleep to me reading "If I Ran the Zoo" by Dr. Zeus. This is his favorite book these days and is extremely loooooong! But he loves it! And for that we don't mind reading it forty million and one times :)

'night night!

Thank You

Benjamin was eating dinner tonight and he turns to me and says, "Thank you for teaching me." I love this child. No, thank YOU for the privilege of being your momma. Love, love, love.